The strangeness of being here

From the time I was about 10 years old I have had flashes of this amazement at my own existence, a sudden realisation that here I am, a living creature on the planet, conscious for only a small spark of time before the physical body ends and consciousness....changes?....ends?  And that those who are in this life with me are also only with me for this brief period, at least in our current forms.

I am sure this awareness hits all of us frequently, but many of us become afraid and busy ourselves in the minutae of every day existence to avoid this overwhelming and possibly dismaying insight.

I have been a strange bod on this planet, compared to many other individuals.  I don't fit that well into accepted forms of behaviour and relationships.  Outwardly this may seem to be an exaggeration, as on superficial appearances I certainly seem to have fitted into society, earning a good living in a respectable job, and going about my life in the expected fashion in terms of family, friends and work.  However only I know how hard and long the struggle has been for me to fashion and create this appearance of normality.

For a start, I was a strange, skinny child who was teased at school.  I had a gaunt face with a disproportionately large nose from the age of 8.  Even the teachers couldn't resist teasing me.  School can be a cruel place for the hardiest child.  But I wasn't that hardy, in fact I was absurdly sensitive and awkward, and the taunts and observations of me by my fellow humans were all taken on board as true reflections of who I was.....a strange and laughable creature.  To put it mildly, the journey from childhood to adolescence was, for me, far from carefree and joyous.  The adolescent years were, in fact, sheer hell and I really did grow stranger and stranger, even to myself.  But I will leave that story for another day.

The logical conclusion of these early experiences in life was that I became a deep, solemn and searching thinker.  I have been on the look-out for answers since the age of about ten.  I read the New Testament Bible from cover to cover in late childhood and early adolescence.  I found it more comforting than the Old Testament, which was not only almost impossible to decipher, but also gloomy and frightening in many parts.  I learned about ancient Egypt and Buddhism at school at the age of thirteen and this turned into a lifelong fascination with ancient times and ancient philosophies and religions.  Buddhism eventually became the path for me to follow in my spiritual searchings - it just seems to make logical sense, compared to most religions.  It appeals to my thirst for rational and compassionate answers to our human dilemma.  So my blog will largely be a record of my reflections on a spiritual response to the problems I face in life, and by extension, to problems the whole world is grappling with.